Itchy eyes, allergies, sneezing is unbearable

Vibrantly colored flowers fill every bush and flowerbed that line the sidewalk. Birds chirp pleasantly as they shake off the arctic chill of winter and settle into their nests of leaves and twigs. Trees stretch out their once frigid limbs and show off their new blooms.

While the world welcomes spring with open arms, those plagued with allergies turn to boxes of tissues and nasal spray instead of a freshly picked tulip.

First it’s the sniffling.

When it begins to happen, the unassuming allergy sufferer tries to ignore the constant tickle and the urge to run for a box of Puffs. The person thinks it must be something in the air or someone’s overwhelming cologne. But as the sniffling increases, it’s only downhill from there.

With the onset of the tissue phase, comes the runny nose and watery eyes, which is particularly helpful for giving speeches or taking a yearbook picture. Everyone wants to look like Quasimodo when they have to stand up in front of a crowd of people or have their image permanently printed in a book people will laugh at with their children years later.

If the constantly drippy nostrils and puffy monster movie eyes aren’t enough, the wonderful allergy fairy blesses the sufferer with the gift of sneezing.

It starts off as a cute, polite sneeze that makes bystanders giggle. But as the season comes into full swing, the sneezes become a violent erupting storm that send classmates and roommates running for cover.

Possibly the best of all is going to class looking like a creature from the Black Lagoon and feeling like your sinuses were hit by a truck. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Allergy sufferers can unite and put an end to allergies, as we know them.

First, to abolish the sniffling problem, place tissue boxes and toilet paper out of sight so that the nose will have nowhere to turn if it thinks about sneezing. Maybe even a boycott of the Puffs and Kleenex companies would scare away any potential allergens that would otherwise sneak into the nasal passages of those prone to accepting them.

If the sniffling cannot be kept under wraps, and a sneeze happens to breech security, the next step for those inflicted with allergies is to disguise their sneezing attacks with a few simple procedures.

When sufferers feel an impending storm in their sinuses, they should signal a pre-approved distracter to create a diversion while sneezers can discretely calm their inner tempest. The distracter may try singing the national anthem off key or waving the flag of Texas.

If that doesn’t work, the allergy-ridden person can hand out ear plugs and rain ponchos to protect those around. But wait. There’s more.

If the sneezing and sniffling have been contained, there’s just the problem of watery, itchy eyes and the feeling of fatigue. For this, there is only one simple solution—be in a commercial for an allergy medication.

Claritin clears you out of the fog of an allergy haze and also comes equipped with a model husband and a golden retriever. Zyrtec, on the other hand, allows you to beat the constant dragging feeling while improving the wardrobes of those involved.

It’s possible that the above solutions won’t work for all allergy sufferers, but look on the bright side. There are only 79 more days of spring.