Engaged and enraged: Jared

I hate shopping with girls. Why is it that I have to spend an hour walking around in circles in a store that wants me to pay $60 to buy a pair of jeans that look like they have been worn by two construction crews? Girls and guys just do not see eye-to-eye when it comes to shopping expeditions.

Let’s walk through what I see as a typical shopping trip with girls. Early in the morning, you start with the first store. Knowing that there is no interest in purchasing anything, girls will spend an hour walking around a store looking at nothing but clothes and shoes. You can’t buy anything, though. No, this is merely a scouting trip. After all, this is just the first store. That shirt could be on sale somewhere else. Two stores later, after trying on the same outfit twice, it is time to go back to the first store.

Occasionally, I will see another guy. I can just tell that he is as miserable as I. There is a certain look—a non-verbal expression. It has to be non-verbal because if we as guys say anything negative about our day, we get in trouble. After comparing purses (that we are both no doubt holding at this point) with my fellow sufferer, the first purchase of the day is made. Now repeat this entire process about seven more times, or until you are ready to collapse, and that is shopping with women.

Now let us study how guys shop. On the rare occasion that we actually have money to purchase something, we go to one or maybe two stores. After walking directly to what we want to buy, we pick up the first thing we see, and that is it. Guys are done.

This problem is only exacerbated by the Christmas season. This is a shopper’s paradise. Sales line the world as far as the eye can see, but this time of year yields an especially dark day for men across the country—Black Friday. This day after Thanksgiving should be reserved for sleep, football and seconds. It is black not only because of the positive effect it has on retailer income statements but also because of the evil, malicious forces that conspire to make this day a unique time of torture for most men.

The day starts at a ridiculous time. This year, stores like Kohl’s and Sears opened their doors at 4 a.m. Consumers line up at the door to fight each other for the year’s hot buys. Most of the crowd is women I would imagine. I do not know for sure because I am not crazy enough to actually do that.

Don’t get me wrong. I like saving money, but I like sleep more. The only place I want to be at that hour is my bed … or the bathroom in the worst case. I realize this might keep me from getting a Tickle-Me-Elmo or a Furby, but I am completely O.K. with that.

So, girls, take it easy on us guys this year. We’re just not as into it as you are. Leave us at home, and everyone will be happy.